Have you ever taken a moment to look at your life and believe in your heart that all the pieces to the puzzle were finally falling into place? Have you ever found yourself wanting something for the first time that was never a priority for one reason or another in the past, only to have something beyond your control strip it all away? What about feeling as though you were to blame or you could have done something differently to make that thing a reality instead of recognizing that God does everything for a reason and a season? It's never a settling feeling when you are forced to accept the difficult changes in life. However, what’s important is not allowing traumatic experiences to consume you. You have to recognize that all things will come in time, not my time or yours, but in God’s time. He is definitely at the wheel.
Children and family were always at the top of our discussions. I never really wanted to get married or have kids before this relationship. I was always the traveler, or the independent, working woman. Never having many positive examples of “the happy family” to go off of, I just didn’t see that in my future. I was never the girl to buy bridal catalogues, plan my wedding before even meeting the guy, or map out how many kids I was going to have. In my mind it was all too much drama, and I wouldn’t be missing much if I passed on it all. Secretly I knew that the right man, the “man of my dreams” could change my mind on all of that. However, I just wasn’t meeting him. He was evading me. Until this man entered my life one day, I was perfectly satisfied putting a marriage and family out of my mind.
It started as a friendship. Good talks and hang out sessions were so important at that time. He was going through some things and I split my time between work and home. When things took a turn toward us having more than a friendship, I was surprised. However, I thought it would be nice to have someone there on the regular and not have to spend my days and nights alone. Our relationship consumed me. I was so wrapped up in what I thought we shared that I couldn't see it for what it really was; too good to be true. He wanted to have another child, a girl. He already had two boys of his own and one that he raised like his own. I wanted so badly to make his dream of having that little girl happen. I put aside all my previous hang-ups. I considered my age, health issues, things I had discussed with my doctors, and it seemed like a good idea. We didn't plan to get pregnant. However, we didn't do much to protect ourselves should that have occurred. The question of my wanting to give him a little girl became a part of our banter during escapes. I can't think of a time when it wasn't mentioned because it seemed to be common discussion. I cared enough, loved him enough, wanted to share enough of myself, and my life with him; so giving him a little girl would just add to the ball of emotions I was feeling.
I feared telling him. I didn't want to alarm him unless I needed to, so I didn't mention taking the pregnancy test. However, it had come up in conversation before because I hadn't been feeling well. He asked if I thought I could be pregnant and I thought he was crazy. I think in the back of my mind, I needed to be sure because if I wasn't, there was something else going on with my health. I used the bathroom before him, took the test, and waited for the results. He went into the bathroom after me. He was sitting in there when I showed him the stick and its results telling him I was pregnant. I believe his response was something simple like, "Well, ok. At least now you know." I told him that I would only be able to know for sure once I went to the doctor and did an official test. My visit to the doctor proved the pregnancy test was correct and based on my missed period; I would deliver the baby some time in February. After finding that out, we realized that I must have gotten pregnant during our trip to Antigua and St. Kitts/Nevis.
We shared the news with our families and I told a couple of my close friends. We even came up with names. A names for the first name and L names for the middle name. I believed he was truly excited about the baby; I wanted to believe. He would lay on my stomach and listen for a heart beat sometimes calling the baby by the girl name that we decided on. He even wanted to go shopping for things. Funny enough, I wasn’t excited about the shopping. I thought it was premature for some reason. I’ve never known too many people to start shopping in the first trimester. It just felt wrong to me for some reason. Although I had made the decision to become a parent and have his child, I had to remember that we were not husband and wife. He was still trying to wrap up his last relationship, and we were not married. My reality was that at the end of the day, I was going to be a single parent.
We went on vacation with his family at the beginning of the summer. While on the trip, we enjoyed a few activities, and events. I didn’t think I was doing anything too strenuous. The doctor told me that it was common for some women to have cramping and spotting because the body is still being adjusted to being pregnant. When I started spotting and cramping on the trip, something just felt wrong. I didn’t think that was supposed to be happening. His mom told me to rest, so I spent an entire day just lying down while everyone else went out and about. That evening when we went to sleep, I had what I thought was a dream but when I woke up it felt so real. I was laying there, when this dark figure floated over me. It pulled something from me. When it left me it was sudden. I was filled with this feeling of emptiness, and I had goose bumps all over. I remember hearing a noise like when something moves really fast in the wind, like swoosh. I didn’t want to panic. However, I woke him and asked him to listen for the heart beat like he always did. When he put his head on my stomach I noticed a strange look on his face. However, his words were simple. He told me not to worry, when we got back we would go to the doctor and check everything out.
The 4th of July will forever be a day of loss for me. We got back from our trip on the 4th of July. We went to my uncle’s house and had a small barbecue with our families. His mom, sisters, and stepfather met my mom, aunts, and uncle. We didn’t mention anything to them about the dream I had or going to get checked out. I didn’t see the point in alarming everyone if nothing was wrong. In truth my dream was unsettling and haunting me. I needed answers. We decided to head back to my house but to stop at the emergency room on the way. The doctor did an ultrasound that seemed to take forever. The last ultrasound I had, the nurse let me hear the heartbeat and I had realized that I was carrying a life inside of me. This time they didn’t find a heartbeat. He said that I had miscarried. It had only been 10 weeks but because of my medical issues, my stomach looked as if I was about 16 weeks. I tried so hard not to let the tears fall while speaking to the doctor. However, as soon as he left the room I broke down. And although this man stood next to me and held my hand for the results, I somehow still felt as if he was absent from the experience. I don’t believe I ever saw him cry for the child he talked to, and listened to through my stomach, or would never get to meet. My mother had been waiting in the sitting area and when I told her, she didn’t really have much to say. I mean does anyone ever know what to say in a situation such as this one? Even in her silence, I was still at peace knowing she was around. I listened to him tell my mother that we would wait till we were married next time. That discussion was crazy in itself because it wasn’t one that we had first.
Despite the fact that I was still bleeding very heavily and cramping like crazy, he wanted to run around and get some things done. He wouldn’t be satisfied if I said I wanted to stay home so, my mom and I went with him. We had been communicating with a lady at the local pet store. She had an English Bulldog that she was holding for him to pick up. We went to the store to get the puppy. Honestly, it was the best distraction. He named the dog after his favorite fruit, mango. I held on to that dog for dear life. I think he knew I was going through something. He cuddled up on my baby bump. He was 10weeks old when we got him and I lost our baby at 10 weeks. Maybe it was a coincidence, maybe it wasn’t.
Next we went to look at the house that he had been having built. There were still things that needed to be arranged and ordered. I helped him pick out everything from the grout between the tiles to the back splash on the kitchen wall. We had already picked out most of the furniture before our trip, so there were just a few finishing touches. He had been working on this house for a few months and picking out the essentials was at times a stressful process. I was there to relieve some of his stress. I offered opinions. When he didn’t want to or was overwhelmed, I made selections. You would think I had a stake in this place and I was going to be living there or something. It was truly something to distract us from all that was going on with me. We went shopping for area rugs and picked out two very nice ones. When we went back to my house, he played with his puppy until they both passed out on the floor next to each other. I spent most of my time in bed because I was still cramping and bleeding. We talked a bit. He reminded me that everything happens for a reason. At the time, I couldn’t understand or see what the reason for taking my baby would be. I felt like a chunk of my heart was missing. I didn’t know how I was going to fill the hole. The next day we drove my mom back home. She had the puppy in a bag in the back seat. She isn't really a dog person but I could tell she loved Mango already.
When we returned to my house I was sitting on the couch and suddenly felt as if a cup full of fluid was pouring out of me. I got up and rushed to the bathroom. I believe that to be when my baby actually passed out of me. I sat there in tears thinking of how awful it must be to get flushed down the toilet no matter how small. I decided to take a shower. While standing in the shower I got light headed. It forced me to sit down. Unfortunately, it made me cry even more watching the stream of blood mixed with the water from the shower. I couldn’t stand. All the energy had left my body and I didn’t want to do anything but sit in the shower in tears. He came into the shower and found me there. I explained what had happened but again I felt as if he was just going through the motions and couldn’t relate. He picked me up and helped me to finish my shower. I got out, got dressed, and went to bed crying myself to sleep.
As the time went on, our days were filled with new house issues, new puppy issues, and any and everything that wasn’t about losing the baby. If ever it came up, he would ask if I wanted to do something, or have a service. I didn’t see the point in that because there was no body, and what was left had been flushed. I was angry. I was angry because I felt like he would never know what it was like to have this happen to my body, and then have someone asking me to focus on all these other things. I was angry because suddenly I was realizing that this was probably a relief for him. He said that he prayed and asked God about it and God told him that I would have another child some day. The thing about that is that after something like this, knowing that there is a possibility that it could happen again, knowing that I could love someone so much, that I’ve never even met, only to have them stripped away from me, was not something to motivate me to have another child.
A few months had passed and nothing was really different for me. I was still angry, confused, crying. Only I was crying when he wasn’t looking because I didn’t want to spoil his new home experience and new puppy experience. When he had to return to work, I stayed in the house and took care of Mango. When he wanted to see us, I drove up to the area where he was and he would spend his down time with us. When he got back, he went by the pet store one day and saw one of Mango’s brothers in the store. He decided to buy him. So now he had two puppies, and a new house to preoccupy his time. I still didn’t see him cry until he had something he loved taken away from him. He got injured at work and spent the first few days lying around. One day he broke down crying saying that he now knew how I felt. I didn’t think it was fair to compare losing a life to his being injured on the job.
To get through this I just needed time. I needed to remember that God has a plan for me and for one reason or another it didn’t include carrying the baby to full term. Funny enough, I ended up falling ill several months later. Be it genetics or a direct result of the pregnancy, I ended up with diabetes. We lost our child on July 4th 2010. On July 4th 2011 he called me on the phone to tell me he was engaged to another woman. So you see, everything does happen for a reason. I believe my pastor said one day, "There is a reason and a season for everything. And when the reason is depleted, and the season is completed, you have to move on." Move on is just what I did.
