July 4th
There isn't one word to express
How I feel about it
There are mixed emotions
Stewing in a pot of disappointment
Brewing in a cup of sadness
My faith, tested
While I cry quivering
In a Corner of the bathtub
Continually questioning
Why the creator would
Do this to me
Forgetting at the time
That he wouldn't give me anything
That I couldn't handle
Convulsing in a stadium of conniption
Twisting in a tumbler of turmoil
Watching the beads of water
Mixed with salty tears
Waltz down my weary body
Trailing in the stream of red
That used to be you
I recall slowly settling into the idea
Of being responsible
For more than just myself
Being accountable for every line of the story
That would have been
Drafted on your slate
Finding myself doing the simple
Yet silly things
That I vowed to never do
Cordially conversing with you
Every time my swelling stomach
Would give me the slightest upset
You were the achievement discussed but unexpected
And I happily hailed him up
For blessing me with the honor of having you
There isn't one word to express
The emotional roller coaster ride of an experience
When a switch is flipped
And one day you awaken vacant
Devoid of that beat
That the ultra sound can't seem to locate
That beat that you hear
When fantasy becomes reality
And you realize that it's
No longer just a thought
You no longer have to use words
Like if and when because
Then is now
It's fresh in my mind
Maybe not in his
Because my body was the vessel
Replete with new life
Until one day it wasn't
You may think me crazy for saying this
But I swear to you I knew
It was like I was having an
Outer body experience
Though in a dream state
I witnessed it all
I dreamt that a dark shadow
Hovered over the foot of our bed
While I tossed and turned
Unsettled in a holding pattern
And he lay snoring in an abysmal slumber
The silhouette extended what appeared to be arms
Reaching for my core
Tugging at my insides
And then promptly making an exit
With my prized possession in tow
My eyes wide open
And my mind racing
With thoughts that I was now alone
Staring at the walls in the emergency room
My hand in his and yet still feeling alone
Having to tell my family that this chapter
Was now closed
Answering questions about the cause
What did they say, why did it happen, what were you doing
As if I was to blame
Having to take precautions
Wearing extra padding
Because it seemed like you were a stream without end
Making weekly trips to get my blood tested
Arms black and blue from needle entries
To make sure all remnants of you
Were out of my system
Do I want you to tell me
That it will work out next time
No!
I wanted it to work out this time
Do I want to hear that it happens to women every day
And hardly ever do we know the cause
No!
I want to know why it happened to me
In life we don't always get the answers
To all of our questions
I just try to remember
He doesn't do things to me
He does them for me
And for whatever reason
On this July 4th
He decided that you were not for me
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