VACANT- Performed at For the Love of Poetry (International Poetry Weekend) in Al Ain U.A.E

July 4th

There isn't one word to express

How I feel about it

There are mixed emotions

Stewing in a pot of disappointment

Brewing in a cup of sadness

My faith, tested

While I cry quivering

In a Corner of the bathtub

Continually questioning

Why the creator would

Do this to me

Forgetting at the time

That he wouldn't give me anything

That I couldn't handle

Convulsing in a stadium of conniption

Twisting in a tumbler of turmoil

Watching the beads of water

Mixed with salty tears

Waltz down my weary body

Trailing in the stream of red

That used to be you

I recall slowly settling into the idea

Of being responsible

For more than just myself

Being accountable for every line of the story

That would have been

Drafted on your slate

Finding myself doing the simple

Yet silly things

That I vowed to never do

Cordially conversing with you

Every time my swelling stomach

Would give me the slightest upset

You were the achievement discussed but unexpected

And I happily hailed him up

For blessing me with the honor of having you

There isn't one word to express

The emotional roller coaster ride of an experience

When a switch is flipped

And one day you awaken vacant

Devoid of that beat

That the ultra sound can't seem to locate

That beat that you hear

When fantasy becomes reality

And you realize that it's

No longer just a thought

You no longer have to use words

Like if and when because

Then is now

It's fresh in my mind

Maybe not in his

Because my body was the vessel

Replete with new life

Until one day it wasn't

You may think me crazy for saying this

But I swear to you I knew

It was like I was having an

Outer body experience

Though in a dream state

I witnessed it all

I dreamt that a dark shadow

Hovered over the foot of our bed

While I tossed and turned

Unsettled in a holding pattern

And he lay snoring in an abysmal slumber

The silhouette extended what appeared to be arms

Reaching for my core

Tugging at my insides

And then promptly making an exit

With my prized possession in tow

My eyes wide open

And my mind racing

With thoughts that I was now alone

Staring at the walls in the emergency room

My hand in his and yet still feeling alone

Having to tell my family that this chapter

Was now closed

Answering questions about the cause

What did they say, why did it happen, what were you doing

As if I was to blame

Having to take precautions

Wearing extra padding

Because it seemed like you were a stream without end

Making weekly trips to get my blood tested

Arms black and blue from needle entries

To make sure all remnants of you

Were out of my system

Do I want you to tell me

That it will work out next time

No!

I wanted it to work out this time

Do I want to hear that it happens to women every day

And hardly ever do we know the cause

No!

I want to know why it happened to me

In life we don't always get the answers

To all of our questions

I just try to remember

He doesn't do things to me

He does them for me

And for whatever reason

On this July 4th

He decided that you were not for me

WAR CRY (ROOFTOP RHYTHMS PERFORMANCE PIECE)

WAR CRY

SHE WAS CRUISIN’, JETTIN’, RUNNIN’ FROM HER DEMONDS

FLYIN’ HIGH ON THAT THING

THAT GAVE HER BUTTERFLIES AND TICKLED HER SPINE

LACED WITH A TICK TICK TICKING TIME BOMB

OF A TEMPER

THAT SHE WOULD OFTEN SLAM INTO

LIKE A BRICK WALL

HER FACE WOULD HIT THAT PALM SO HARD

SHE COULDN’T SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY ANYMORE

IT HAPPENED SO MUCH SO IT WAS LIKE

HER SKIN WAS MADE OF LEATHER

BUT SHE KNEW HIS LOVE WAS GNEUINE

SO THIS PAIN WOULDN’T LAST FOREVER, RIGHT?

THE TEARS WOULD GUSH

WITH THE FORCE OF A WATERFALL

FROM THE ALMOND SHAPED SPACES ABOVE HER NOSE

AND ON OCCASION SHE FOUND HERSELF

PATIENTLY AWAITING THE STINING PRESSURE OF THE BLOWS

A REGULAR THING

SHE WALKED ON EGGSHELLS

HER STEPS WERE CIRCUMSPECT

TRYING TO REMAIN ALERT

SO AS NOT TO SET OFF ANY LAND MINES

SHE WENT INTO BATTLE EVERY DAY

AND EVERY NIGHT SHE PRAYED

THAT SOMEONE WOULD HEAR HER WAR CRY

BUT IT WOULD APPEAR THAT NO ONE HEARD

THE CRIES OF LITTLE GIRLS

WHO CHOSE NOT TO FOLLOW HOUSE RULES

AND DIDN’T LIKE TO HEAR THE WORD NO

A GIRL WHO PACKED A BAG ONE NIGHT

AND SLIPPED OUT HER BEDROOM WINDOW

READY TO BRAVE A LIFE LIVING ON THE STREET

AND WHEN THAT GOT TOO HARD

QUICK TO ACCEPT SHELTER FROM

THE FIRST LOW LIFE CREEP SHE MET

NO ONE LISTENED WHEN SHE

BEGGED THE CREATOR TO HELP HER

FIND HERSELF AGAIN

LOST IN FEAR, LOST IN LIES

LOST IN A WORLD OF ISOLATION THAT HE BUILT

ATTEMPTING TO PLOT AN ESCAPE

BUT OFTEN RECEIVING A FORCEFUL REMINDER

THAT SHE HAD NO WAY OUT

THE TRICKERY OF HER MIND

HAD HER ALWAYS TRYING

TO RECTIFY AND JUSTIFY IN ORDER TO SOLIDIFY

HER SAFETY

SHE CONVINCED HERSELF THAT SHE WAS

WELL TAKE CARE OF

ROOF OVER HER HEAD, FOOD ON HER TABLE

NO NEED TO LEAVE

BUT WHEN HER DAILY INTERACTION

WAS SERVED UP WITH A FEW PUNCHES, SLAPS, AND KICKS

FOLLOWED BY HURTFUL WORDS

THAT ROLLED OFF HIS TONGUE WITH EASE

AND RANG IN HER EARS LIKE THE BELLS OF A CHURCH TOWER

SHE KNEW THE END WAS NEAR

SHE HEARD THE WEIGHT OF HIS FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING

AND BRACED HERSELF FOR THE ATTACK

SHE FELT THE PRESSURE OF HIS FISTS POUNDING AND POUNDING

SHE SAW THE SPRAY FROM HER BLOODY BODY

BOUNCING FROM ONE PLACE TO THE NEXT

AS HER LIFE FLASHED BEFORE HER EYES

IN HER LAST BREATH SHE QUESTIONED

CAN ANYONE HEAR ME

CAN ANYONE HEAR MY WAR CRY

Right Where I'm Supposed To Be

There is a position that some of us often put ourselves in, between a rock and a hard place. We often blame our situation on a lack of the right opportunity being made available to us. We blame others for having some type of vendetta against us. However, we overlook the fact that in order to have those golden opportunities afforded to us, we need to make ourselves available and open to the possibilities. We can't pigeon hole ourselves and not explore all that's out there and then turn around upset by the stagnant status of our existence. We can't look at every issue as something that is being done to us when it is clearly being done for us.

People are often surprised by my impulsive nature; my desire to pack up and go at the drop of hat.  I have never been the type to let where I come from, or things others may say prevent me from exploring other possibilities.  I find that it is very easy for people to get comfortable. However, Fearing the unknown; finding excuses to never do what we aspire to do only prevents us from stepping outside of our comfort zone. How can we honestly say we have taken advantage of some of the opportunities if we never take chances on learning or growing as people? How much progress can we make if we simply stay in one place. I mean that in the figurative sense?

I feel that I am making an attempt to not only better myself but those who are directly affected by my presence or actions. I am filling my bank with dollars of life experience. When people make withdrawals, they can gain insight to some of what I have learned. They can take from it what they will or leave it to mature over time. Not everyone is brave enough to just leave everything behind and start anew in another place that is completely unfamiliar to them. I do know that if more people were open to such things, we would have a deeper appreciation for some of the things and the people in our lives. To some I may be well past the age of exploration.  I don't want to leave dreams and aspirations behind to fit some image someone else has of me.  I just don't see the need to stop growing and experiencing new things and closing myself off from all that exists out there in the world. 

It's been said that in order to receive all the blessings God has in store for you sometimes, you have to move.  I figure I shouldn't mess with God's plan for me.  I wouldn't be where I am today if he didn't see a reason for my being here.  I plan to continue on this journey of self exploration and growing tolerance knowing that it is divine  purpose. Stuck between a rock and a hard place is not somewhere that you would find me.  I am right where I am supposed to be.  

Using "I Love You" As A Weapon

Have you ever felt as if the words “I love you!” were used as a weapon against you?  Often times we humans act with emotion as our foundation.  We pine, we ponder, we plot, and we wait to hear the words.  As though hearing them will validate us somehow.  We assume that hearing them will place us on level ground.  No longer do we question our worth to the person professing.  We assume that person would never use such words as an “in” or a tool to throw us off balance; break down our walls to the point where we suddenly have tunnel vision seeing only them in our sight.  We hope that because we know how valuable the words are to us, that the person professing would hold them just as dear.  It’s funny how it doesn’t always turn out that way.

There is only one person who loves us to the ends of the earth, with all our faults, even when we are in doubt about whether they truly care.  Only one who loves us so much that He would have us experience all the bad so that when good presents itself, we know just what to look for.  He is the only one that will guide us through trials because of His undying love that exists for us.  All we have to do is simply love Him back; show the same thought and consideration that we know.  Show Him that we know without a shadow of a doubt that everything He does is for our betterment.  He would never use His love as a weapon against us, however He would use it to protect us from all that is constantly circling around us trying to draw us away from Him.

Love is something that shouldn’t be toyed with.  It is a powerful force.  Love creates lives, it takes lives, it also lingers long after its target has left.  If you have ever had one of those moments when you questioned if what you once felt for someone was truly love, or if you have ever really been in love because things didn’t really work out and you felt as though if it were love, then it would have lasted, STOP!!  Take a minute to recognize that there is a love that you experience daily, every time you open your eyes.  Don’t question why if you were loved, would certain things continue to happen TO YOU.  Recognize that things happen FOR YOU!  They happen for you to appreciate the life that you have, the people who would never use three little words as a weapon against you, and for you to appreciate what He gives you daily so that you might recognize when someone is being untrue.  Now, not knowing this love could cause you a hurricane of negative experiences and negative people blowing through your life.  But knowing His love could put you on the path to greatness.  Once you hit that path and all the things and people in front of you begin to make sense, you will realize what true love is. 

Loving him unconditionally will strengthen your relationship not only with Him, but also with others who share that same love for Him.  That strong foundation will make for less bumps, twits, and turns along your path.  It’s like the song says, “to know, know, know Him, is to love, love, love Him, and I do....” When you do trust and believe that, no three worded weapon formed against you will prosper!! 

His Divine Will contributed by Jarel Turner

God doesn't lead two "halves" to be brought together to make each other, or oneself whole. His Divine Will leads two who are already whole independently/individually in Him & brings them together to make them one.

However we have Free Will. And our insisting on certain things are possible because of His Permissive Will, even with Him being ALL powerful.

Just know that if He has a whole person out

 there for you, He wants to complete His work in you first, so you can be that whole person back to them. That's the true sacrifice of love. Sacrificing "self" for God first. A deeper revelation of love of the first position in knowing how to give it properly. If you can't receive or give the love of God what "type" of love are you giving? #Faulty. #WeForgetHeCreated...HeISLove.

You don't have to chase down what He has for you & it does not include a burdensome yoke. Such situations are not "destined" to be nor are such parties your soul mate.

If it's not His Will, it's a distraction, a deception & a delay on what He really has for you...in all aspects of life. Things you won't have to chase down, just fearlessly walk into through Faith & Confidence by His Holy Spirit. #He'sAGodOfOrder.

In all matter of truth we all have situations or issues of varying degrees (outside of relationships) in which we have accepted a substituted provision over His (God's) Best. These provisions have their part in our growing process of life and are usually a result of our haste,

 making our own provision, & not waiting on or seeking the guidance of The Holy Spirit with patience which is always ON TIME but not usually within the time of our microwave society.

As we all reach for progress & not perfection it is time wasted to play a comparison game on how deep or shallow someone may be within His Divine Will or may not be.

It's about perspective regarding those things we fight for in life that ultimately are in vain for they leave us less than what we started with. While there is a reality of maybe an uncontrollable detachment in many areas of life it's a contradiction to believe the God who has all good things for you has destined something that you are literally fighting for, killing you or stealing your victory. He doesn't have such things for us. It's a cause for reflection and examination of reality.

In the aspect of relationships if someone is constantly controlling your time, emotions, & imposing the lie that without them you can't survive, making you feel you don't know how you'll go on or start over and you don't see happiness in life or the abundance in starting over - that is not fighting for love. It's the low level practice of witchcraft as it seeks to control and keep you away from progress, His Best. You don't have to submit to that. Practice your free will in the sense for the better!

God's Word should be all about understanding, and love, and it is however, sometimes in translation, in delivery, pride, misunderstanding whatever the case may be people misconstrue judgement with feeling challenged.

A perspective a given only for enlightenment and if it does not apply then don't try and put a shoe on your foot which doesn't fit. However, if it does fit and you don't like the way it looks it may just be that somewhere deep inside there's a challenge to do better.

All I share regarding the insight of God's Word is rooted in love for at most I can say is the fact that the one thing He has shown me is how to love better, His Way. Only by HIS Grace has darkness not consumed ALL our lives, not matter how good or "Holy" we may see ourselves... that we have time to come to His saving knowledge, & that we are enabled by His Holy Spirit to share the joys and wonders of it even when we're still working on getting it right ourselves.

I know fully The Law in it's entirety points to Christ - the deepest revelation of Love, Joy & Piece...it should not be used as a weapon to impose legalistic tradition & religion that is not of God...unfortunately people associate their history of such with the same Faith that they have found in a personal relationship with Christ. It's unfortunate, the two are not the same.

If you're not sharing Christ with people you're sharing a bunch of self helping, legalistic impositions presenting a form of godliness which only seeks to change one's outward compliance & not their heart.

I love God, I love people...I always have, and only with Him did I learn to love both parties better.

With that being said all that I say which is related to God, is said & motivated by love for when I truly found His Love, all things became new & I know without a shadow of a doubt He can, and wants to do the same for everyone I know if they let Him. We live in a society where being strong is equated with carrying our issues with a smile, and is accepted versus going through the challenge of facing them to give us freedom. He'll heal areas you didn't even know were wounded! Glory to God!

GIVE AWAY OUR POWER -contributed by Irileria Muhammad EMT Teacher in Abu Dhabi, Al Garbia

I am always amazed at how easily we give away our power as women. Granted, I have been there. God gave us the same brain, the same heart, the same voice, the same lungs, but we are so quick to subjugate ourselves to a man. I am not by any means saying the two are the same, but they are, INDEED, equal. The backseat, behind, under, outside of, the man is not where I will be. But I will still firmly and proudly by your side. We have incorporated chauvinism into religion, and then we repeat it. No wonder so many God-fearing women have self-esteem issues. We keep hearing philosophies that say you are the reason for man's downfall (Eve), you are why he is weak (Delilah), you bring out lustful desires (Jezebel). So in essence, what I get from that is that man is such a weak being and women must play up to his weaknesses and hide our essence as opposed to him stepping up and just being a man, and fighting himself. He must be protected and coddled, even at the expense of women. Well, if God tells you not to do something and a WOMAN says do it, and you follow the woman, be very clear, that YOU ARE THE PROBLEM, NOT the woman. And 2,000 years of backwards teaching does not change that.

Unfortunately, it is the undercurrent in MOST religions, religions sect, churches, etc.... And though I am in a country that has some very interesting male/female dynamics... I actually see WAAAAY more of this at home from a group that my friend Ebony so lovingly calls the "handmaiden club", and unfortunately too many women are in this group (knowingly or unknowingly).

Who Knows What's Best For Me?

“This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.” Isaiah 48:17 NIV

Sometimes we forget who orders our steps and leads our path.  We plan ahead as if we know what tomorrow will bring.  We schedule, we make things time sensitive, and we drive ourselves crazy if we are late or if things don’t happen according to our plans. 

I have been on this journey for almost a month now.  I have surprised myself by my level of calm in certain situations.  Coming from a place where schedules and deadlines ruled my world, it's difficult to allow someone else to have all the control.  However, I realized that if I was going to embrace this experience fully, that I needed to let go of the rains, give everything to God, and have faith in the fact that he controls all things and by his grace and mercy we are able to see another day much less plan for one.  

This is one of the first times in my teaching career that I have had to completely allow someone else to do all the planning.  They planned everything from my departure from the US to my school placement.  I still don’t even know what grade I’m teaching, and school starts on Sunday (today is Monday).  The funny thing isn’t that I don’t know. It’s that I am not stressing about it or anything for that matter.  From day one of this process I put everything in God’s hands.  I asked Him to make this opportunity a reality for me if he thought that I deserved it.  I know that He would never let me down. 

I often forget that my walk may not be understood or accepted by everyone.  They may not understand my lack of worry.  They may not get why all the negative comments about this experience don’t have my head spinning.  And they surely may not understand why I would want to drive an hour and a half or two hours every week to attend church.  I know I didn’t get to this level of calm alone.  There wasn’t some instructional manual that I read that enabled me to simply breathe rather than blow up at people, make offensive or inappropriate comments, show my behind in public or spout words on social media, or simply just come off as unapproachable or unruly.  I have taken this experience to be one in which I will learn more about my strengths and my weaknesses.   I guess in a way I wonder which is going to be more work, my learning more about myself or being the type of teacher that my students want to learn from.  Whenever I get to deep into thought, I just talk to Him and turn it over to Him.  He knows what’s best for me and there will never be a time when I have to doubt that.  I am ready for this learning experience.  I will be a student right along with the kids in my classroom.